Jokes.

Tony Williams
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Jokes.

Post by Tony Williams » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:22 pm

I don't often come across a joke which makes me laugh out loud, but this one did: it was made by a blind man who was famous for making many parachute jumps for charity, and who kept being asked how he knew when to brace himself for the landing. His response: "it's when my guide dog's lead goes slack."

Any other good ones out there?

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chaggle
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Re: Jokes.

Post by chaggle » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:22 pm

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do
you want to be when you grow up?"

Lil' Johnny: "I Want to be a billionaire,
going to the most expensive clubs, take
the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth
over a million bucks, an apartment in
Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet
to travel through Europe, an Infinite
Visa Card and to make love to her
three times a day".

The teacher, not knowing what to do
with the bad behavior of the child,
decides not to give importance to what
he said and then continues the lesson:

And you, Suzie? "Ma'am, I wanna be
Lil' Johnny's bitch!"
Don't blame me - I voted remain :con

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:23 pm

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ....
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma.

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:24 pm

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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Zep
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Zep » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:24 pm

......................................*ahem*




(Good one! :) )

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:25 pm

“So this classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks, ‘Euripedes?’ The professor replies, ‘Yes. Eumenides?’ ”

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Zep
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Zep » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:25 pm

OK, Binde, you asked for it...


Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle?

Croydon13013
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Croydon13013 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:26 pm

Why did the spiritualist chicken cross the road?
thIS sIGnaTure iS an

Matt
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Matt » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:26 pm

Croydon13013 wrote:Why did the spiritualist chicken cross the road?
Not the answer you're looking for but...

Because she saw James Randi coming the other way
Bwaaak Buk Buk!

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Tinkerbell
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Tinkerbell » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:27 pm

Croydon13013 wrote:Why did the spiritualist chicken cross the road?
I think Mr. S. Chicken will be disappointed to find there is nothing on the other side....

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:28 pm

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

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chaggle
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Re: Jokes.

Post by chaggle » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:28 pm

"I love Beyoncé...

- Whatever floats your boat mate.

- No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'.
Don't blame me - I voted remain :con

Dubious Dick
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Dubious Dick » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:29 pm

An insect just flew into my kitchen and blew up.

I think it was a jihaddy long legs.

Matt
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Matt » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:29 pm

Best send in a swat team

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Ketchup
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Ketchup » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:30 pm

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
~ Today is the Tomorrow you worried about Yesterday ~

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