Jokes.

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:30 pm

An elderly man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:30 pm

50 Shades Of Tory


His fantasies had grown darker and he longed to experiment with more extreme forms of pain and humiliation. "I'm joining Ukip", he announced.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Croydon13013 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:31 pm

"Benjamin Button who?"
"Benjamin Button."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
thIS sIGnaTure iS an

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chaggle
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Re: Jokes.

Post by chaggle » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:32 pm

Croydon13013 wrote:"Benjamin Button who?"
"Benjamin Button."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
Had to google it. Shouldn't have had to.
Don't blame me - I voted remain :con

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:32 pm

Image

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polomint38
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Re: Jokes.

Post by polomint38 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:33 pm

A joke that gets upgraded every time windows is.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Tony Williams » Sat Nov 21, 2015 10:10 am

A pedant's joke:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"To"
"To who?"
"It's to whom, actually"

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Mon Dec 14, 2015 9:33 am

It was a few days before Christmas and Santa thought that he would go and check on the Reindeer.
2 of them had run away, 2 of them were pregnant and all the leather harnesses had been nibbled on by mice.
He went to check on the toy factory and most of the elves were absent without leave and those that were there had such bad hangovers that they were basically useless.
Feeling the need to fortify himself he went to his cupboard and reached in to bring out his jug of rum. The handle broke and the jug hit the floor and smashed.
At this precise moment there was a knocking on his door and he opened it to find a fairy holding a Christmas tree who said 'where would you like me to put this Christmas tree'?
This is why we have a fairy on top of the Christmas tree.

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Fri May 20, 2016 10:29 pm

Despite recent controversy, Muirfield golf course remains one of most scenic in the country, with views dating back to Victorian times.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Mon Nov 07, 2016 12:49 am

Farridge and Mayhem. A couple of dubious solicitors? Nobody would accept it. :D

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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Mon Dec 26, 2016 6:28 pm

Not really a joke, but it doesn't deserve its own thread, I think.

A clue from the crossword in today's Independent. 7 down.

Clue - "One tweeting a description of Boris Johnson. (4,3)"
Answer - "blue tit" :rofl

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bindeweede
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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:35 pm

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Aug 15, 2017 10:01 pm

- I have 3 kids thanks to homeopathy.
- Did you have homeopathic fertility treatment?
- No, homeopathic contraception.

(Yes, coat time..... :gmc ..)

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Tony.Williams » Sun Feb 04, 2018 11:39 am

An old one, but still good:

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the
mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the
Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

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polomint38
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Jokes.

Post by polomint38 » Sun Mar 04, 2018 2:44 pm

I came home from the auction with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my brother bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker.

So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.

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