The poems of Brian Bilston.

Croydon13013
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The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by Croydon13013 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:38 pm

Has anyone else come across this poetic genius of the 21st Century?


His website: http://brianbilston.com/

some of the best poems collected: http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2015/03/20/poe ... n-bilston/


My favourites:

There once was a poet on Twitter
Who became increasingly bitter
He couldn't surmount
The strict character count
So his poems got even shitt


Her name was Yoda,
A showgirl she was.
thIS sIGnaTure iS an

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bindeweede
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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:38 pm

Thanks. I'd not come across him. Have been reading lots on Twitter. I quite like this one.
JEREMY CLARKSON POEM #1

Clarkson parks on double yellow.

Thinks he’s a lovable rogue of a fellow.

But he’s not.

He’s just a twat.

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by Dubious Dick » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:39 pm

Rather liked this one:


Receptacles

It was a love that came together
through the use of receptacles;
for he had his beer goggles on
and she, her rosé-tinted spectacles.

Thanks for the tip. Some of it reminds me a bit of John Hegley, whose work includes the marvellous:


Love poem by my dog

I saw you in the park
I wanted to be your friend
I tunnelled my snout
up your non-barking end

and

My doggie don't wear glasses

my doggie don't wear glasses
so they're lying when they say
a dog looks like its owner

Those set me off remembering these as well on the doggy theme:

David Sedaris' "dog poems" published in Esquire


Pepper, Spot, and Leopold
Were sent by God, so I've been told,
In hopes we might all comprehend
That every dog is man's best friend!!!

Hail hyperactive Myrtle,
Owned by folks who are infertile.
Her owners boast as she runs wild,
"She's not a spaniel, she's our child!"

Rags, the Shatwells' Irish setter,
Doubles as a paper shredder.
His lunch was bills and last year's taxes
Followed by a dozen faxes.

Kimmy, once considered ruthless,
Lies in her basket, bald and toothless.
Her youth's long spent, so now she passes
All her time releasing gases.

Petunia May they say was struck
Chasing down a garbage truck.
A former purebred Boston terrier,
Her family's wond'ring where to bury her.

Each Saturday at half past one,
Miss shih tzu has her toenails done.
In the chair she pouts and squirms,
Not knowing that she's full of worms.

Most ev'ry evening Goldilocks
Snacks from Kitty's litter box.
Then, on command, she gives her missus
Lots of little doggie kisses.

Hercules, a Pekinese,
Was taken in and dipped for fleas.
Insecticide got in his eyes,
Now he'll be blind until he dies.

The Deavers' errant pit bull, Cass,
Bit the postman on the ass.
Her lower teeth destroyed his sphincter,
Now his walk's a bit distincter.

The bitches loved the pug Orestes
Until the vet snipped off his testes.
Left with only anal glands,
He's been reduced to shaking hands.

Each night, old Bowser licks his balls,
Then falls asleep till nature calls.
He poops a stool, then, though it's heinous,
Bends back down and licks his anus.

Dachshund Skip from Winnipeg
Loves to hump his master's leg.
Every time he gets it up, he
Stains Bill's calf with unborn puppy.

A naughty Saint Bernard named Don,
Finds Polly's Kotex in the john.
He holds the blood steak in his jaws
And mourns her coming menopause.


aren't they

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bindeweede
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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:41 pm

A recent poem from Brian Bilston.

"EASTER PUNNY

If you make Easter puns,
try to find one that's betterer,
than eggcellent, eggcited,
eggtraordinary, egg cetera ..."

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Zep
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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by Zep » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:41 pm


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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:42 pm

He can be SSSSSSSSSSSSSOO cruel!

MICHAEL GOVE POEM

I behove
Michael Gove
to shove his head
inside a stove.

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:42 pm

How Much I Dislike the Daily Mail

I would rather
eat Quavers that are six week’s stale,
blow dry the hair of Gareth Bale,
listen to the songs of Jimmy Nail,
than read one page of the Daily Mail.

If I were bored
in a waiting room in Perivale,
on a twelve hour trip on British rail
or a world circumnavigational sail,
I would not read the Daily Mail.

I would happily read
the complete works of Peter Mayle,
the autobiography of Dan Quayle,
selected scripts from Emmerdale,
but I couldn’t ever read the Daily Mail.

Far better to
stand outside in a storm of hail,
be blown out to sea in a powerful gale
then swallowed by a humpback whale
than have to read the Daily Mail.

Even if
I were blind
and it was the only thing
in Braille,
I still would not read
the Daily Mail.

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:43 pm

life is darkness
since you left
as if the moon
were missing
from the night sky,
a lunar lacuna

oh, hang on,
forgot to open
the curtains

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:43 pm

Some names like Beauchamp,
get mispronounced
unless you teauchamp,
thought Siobhan Cholmondley,
glolmondley.

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by chaggle » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:44 pm

bindeweede wrote:Some names like Beauchamp,
get mispronounced
unless you teauchamp,
thought Siobhan Cholmondley,
glolmondley.

:lol:
That took some working out but I think I'm there.

Teacups go brown unless you Bleauchamp
and that makes me grolmondley.
Don't blame me - I voted remain :con

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:44 pm

Image

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:45 pm

Image

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:45 pm

Brian Bilston

David Cameron,
it was an act
of staggering
immaturity

to try and lull
the people
into a false sense
of insecurity.

(On Cameron saying "The Labour Party is now a threat to our national security, our economic security and your family's security."
9:55 AM - 13 Sep 2015)

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by bindeweede » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:46 pm

Brian Bilston

HOMOPHONE

eye here,
buy Orla counts,
you're homophonia's
bee cum
moor pronounced

your sew unsound;
pee pal lie queue
should knot bee aloud

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Re: The poems of Brian Bilston.

Post by Matt » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:46 pm

Reminds me of...

Owed to a Spell in Checker...

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
You sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thymes.
It helps me right awl stiles two reeds,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite.
Of none eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule.
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants two pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!.

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